This post is probably best not to be read by anyone other than me. It’s probably going to be self-indulgent. I think I need to get what is going on in my head out and and into the world, for vaguely therapeutic reasons.
It’s my birthday on Monday and it’s a bit of a strange weekend. I have the opportunity to spend Sunday night in Leeds, which is near my parents’ house, so we’re having lunch with them and then I will come back home on Monday.
I am sorry I have to interrupt this broadcast to say that it has been announced that Imelda Staunton is going to be in a National Theatre production of Follies next year and I am BESIDE myself with excitement.
Anyway, my father isn’t well and last week an old pipe in their kitchen ceiling disintegrated enough that water came through. It’s been fixed but I really don’t know how they are coping. I don’t know how much longer they can go on living independently. We all need to have a hard conversation. But when?
That is playing on my mind alongside my decision to drop my main job to two days a week and really try to make a go of switching careers. My September pay slip is going to be a real shock, and obviously I couldn’t do this if I lived alone. Teaching has worn me out so I am torn between loving the luxury of three days a week off the tortuous treadmill, and not having enough money to live on. Everyone I know is exhausted, and most of them are most certainly doing more than one job.
I’ve been listening to three very interesting programmes on Radio 4 – The Anatomy of Rest. They are still on the iPlayer.
A team called Hubbub which is made up of artists, scientists and mental health experts, amongst others, has worked with the Wellcome Collection on a huge survey of what rest means to people. The third, final programme revealed the results of the survey. The two other programmes explored the cultural and historical contexts of rest, and what the brain does when we are resting. And what the brain does do when we are resting is absolutely fascinating.
The bottom line is no matter how you rest – and people rest in different ways – it is integral to our well-being and mental health. For me resting is solitude, reading and swimming. Now I am off the work treadmill I have the opportunity to rest. And alongside that comes guilt – not that I should be doing something but that I am not earning a living. Earning a living in my life has meant, particularly over the past 12 yeas, being constantly exhausted. And so I go round and round.
So I am having to seriously think about what I want to do and it scares me. Yesterday someone asked me directly: what is your dream? And I can’t answer that. I’ve never been particularly ambitious or focused, and whilst I haven’t drifted through life, I have never had any sort of plan. In fact all too often I have been given jobs.
So what do I need to do? I am dabbling in my new career in a happy way with people I enjoy working with and who treat me with respect, but I am not being paid. I have been thinking about what I really enjoy doing, and I know I love to write. I can’t change careers at this stage and go back to the start, but I retrained and spent my on money on that so I need move forward on an achievable and satisfying level.
So I am going to manage an overhaul of their website, and start teaching myself how to write a certain type of article that I can try to get published in the industry’s media. Except no one wants to pay writers. But I have considerable experience and skills and I need to start drawing threads together.
I also thought this morning I would like to write a children’s book. Now that is a market which is near impossible to break into.
I did a Coaching course recently and here I am coaching myself. Coaching is about enabling people to find the answers to their problems within themselves and then give them the confidence to remove often self-inflicted obstacles so they can find their own positive ways of solving problems. I know the answers are in me, it’s just being able to stand back and look at it all objectively. It’s actually what you do teaching very young children. You make them independent by encouraging them to try new skills – and if they can’t do it the first time, then supporting them to persevere. And you teach through their interests, because who of all of us learns or focuses on any meaningful level if we are not engaged with the topic?
What tires me the most is the thought that I have spent my life wanting to work in areas undervalued by every Government I have lived under; those areas being part of the Arts, which as we all know add nothing to anyone’s lives or society as a whole because their reason for being is usually not to generate money.
It’s scary when it seems there is no safety net below you and yet I know I am privileged to be in this situation. But it can’t last very long – Christmas is appearing in the shops.
I’ll keep you all updated.
Note to self: upcoming reviews: Jonathan Unleashed, Our Ladies of Perpetual Succour, Tracks, American Hustle, Six Stories and an Essay.
David says:
Spend quality time with your parents, allow the decision of if and when to move, to be theirs by helping them understand options (including staying where they are and bringing in help.) Happiness is not about what we do in life, but how we chose to respond to life. Isn’t there a line in literature about the masses living lives of quiet desperation? Keep writing, you are good at it.
1 October, 2016 — 14:51
Mer says:
I am so very glad to read about spending time with your parents (I know, I’m choosing one small portion of the large amount of text you wrote) but I’ve been thinking about your parents a LOT lately! I don’t know why… but the past 2 months they have been on my mind at least once a week. My hope over the past few years was to visit you and finally meet them in person. I’ve truly wanted to do this for so long. I’ve become quite fond them through the updates you’ve given me and the photos you’ve shared with me over the years. I am thrilled for every minute you spend with them.
As for the hectic treadmill life… we all run it in different ways.
One thing I found interesting was something I read a few months back about the work culture in Japan. It’s considered almost a status symbol to be caught inemuri – which is basically catching a nap during the day – often standing up, laying down on stairs, the bus stop, etc. They view it as a person who has gone the extra mile to give up sleep in order to work harder; and is catching a nap where and when they can. A ‘wow’ they must be working so hard! Here in the US many work that hard but no, inemuri has not been embraced and accepted! Ha. (My own husband for instance wakes at either 3:am, 4:am or 5:am for work depending on the day of the week) His days are 14 hours long – almost completely on his feet. But it’s what he has to do for his job as it’s required of him and we’ve become accustomed to eating food and sleeping with a roof over our head. 😉
However; you also have to balance that with ‘life’ and the ability to find joy, relaxation and a sense of self. At I also found that as I get older, I’ve been more likely to buck the system and do what I want; not what is always wanted of me. To take a job you enjoy over one that runs you ragged is part of the stage of life you are in I think. You have a partner to share with and you support each other. To pursue a dream is good at this stage. Leave the full time teaching to those a bit younger. Ha ha ha. 😉
1 October, 2016 — 15:11
MrBert says:
You put my self-pity to shame…. xxx
7 October, 2016 — 12:42
anne marie in philly says:
my ways to relax are reading and knitting. teaching burns ANY ONE out, especially since the little bastards are not appreciative of your efforts. I don’t have the parental sword hanging over me (lucky me). perhaps you are going thru a midlife crisis, yes?
1 October, 2016 — 17:11
Ron says:
Hello! I was directed to your blog by “The Travel Penguin! (David). So glad! I’ve been looking for a good blog to add to my “Off the peninsula” blog roll. I like your style of writing! By the way, I struggled for years to find the proper balance between work for survival and rest and relaxation (also for survival). I made a drastic wrenching decision almost twenty years ago that, despite some road bumps along the way, was the perhaps the best decision I ever made in my life. In a month I will celebrate my 75th birthday and I can proudly say that this is the best time of my life. Good luck to you in whatever decision you make. I like the inherent honesty in your writing. Thanks for sharing.
Ron
1 October, 2016 — 19:17
MrBert says:
I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt I had woken up and didn’t know who I was. The worst of it was I was (or wasn’t, rather) defining myself by my jobs, and not by myself as a person! Oh dear….don’t tell anyone.
7 October, 2016 — 12:42
wickedhamster says:
Ventilating is good; the soul needs to be aired out every now and then. Hmm… what can I offer? I’ve had big dreams, and middle-sized dreams. Some came true, some didn’t. At this point, I’m happy for the ones that did, and don’t regret the ones that didn’t. Age does have its gifts. Right now the dream are few and quite realistic — might as well dream for things that are likely to come true. Advice like “follow your dreams, “follow your bliss,” and what all never did make much sense to me. Too much of a realist I imagine. I’ve always preferred “Do what is right for you” and “the only goal worth pursuing is tranquillity of soul.” Most things are really out of our control, the only thing we really can control is how we react to and deal with things.
1 October, 2016 — 23:47
Urspo says:
Hello I too was sent via David AKA Traveling Penguin to have a look-see. He says you are ‘proper’ and enjoy tea, which gets me interested already. So far what I see is lovely.
2 October, 2016 — 00:20
MrBert says:
Goodness knows what “proper” means haha. Proper English(man)? Thank you for your comment – I’ll try and keep up the good work.
7 October, 2016 — 12:39