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Author: MrBert (page 2 of 22)

Beginning Of Food

Kiwi fruit, porridge, banana, pie, yogurt, Peroni, Chablis, cupcakes, cherry, pesto, shoulder of lamb, fish finger sandwich, scotch egg, tomato ketchup, hot dog, sausage roll, lemon, salami, artichoke, mushroom crostini, HP Sauce, cheeseballs, bag of crisps, wine, candyfloss, eggs, bacon, ale, bitter, sausage-meat, toast, breadcrumbs, “dirty Ginsters”, cheese & pineapple, pickle.

I feel a PhD coming on.

(with apologies to David Eldridge)

Quote

I suppose true sexual equality will come when a general called Anthea is found having an unwise lunch with a young unreliable male model from Spain.

John Mortimer

I Need A Job (Again)

I really need a job from March 26th.  I’m clean and tidy, can use a knife and fork and tie my own shoelaces.

All  offers and suggestions gratefully received.

Anything involving writing and/or the theatre would make me too happy for words.

AAAARGHHHH!!!!!!!!

AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

If I see Keep Calm and Carry On anywhere today…….be warned.

Waterstones Sale

Can recommend Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine.

Waterstones Sale – click here

 

Middle

One of my most important jobs at the moment on Beginning (now showing at the Ambassadors Theatre – book early) is Audience Watch.  It is in fact vital to the smooth running of the evening.  I may (or may not) be seated in such a position that I can see out over a large swathe of the auditorium.  There is a chandelier in the middle of the ceiling and some Wit on the company said I “look like the Phantom of the Opera” and that they “wouldn’t walk under the chandelier with you sitting there”.

I digress.

The point is, I can see the audience coming in to take their seats.  They can be categorised as follows:

The Faffers – I mean really, does it take THAT long to find your seat, take off your coat and sit down. Apparently it does.

The Fashion Statements – usually (but not always) female and involves large hats, and scarves.

The Picnickers – sandwiches, glasses of fizzy wine (masquerading as champagne), crisps.  The sort of thing you take to the Heath on a summer’s day.

The Tinklers – generally about 7.32pm one of them will go off to the loo.*

The Cocktail Party  Guests – stand with drinks in their hands at their seats looking all around

The Rather-Be-Somewhere-Elsers –  involves looking at mobile phones which continues into the performance.  Obviously thought they’d booked for The Mousetrap next door.

The Quaffers – usually seated in the middle of a full row, need a drink in each hand and have to get to seat at the last minute.

The Arctic Explorers – wild horses will not get them to take off that coat

The Passepartouts – three attempts to find the correct seat

The House Movers – Passepartouts plus lots of bags and coats

*in fairness I have to visit the Little Boys’ Room about three times in the 45 minutes before curtain up.  I think the Front of House Staff pity me slightly.

During the performance I have to keep an eye anyone leaving, mobile phones and other bleepers going off, the front row not getting sprayed with “beer”, rustling sweet bags (one of which caused a loud SHUSH last night) and eccentric laughers.  At the end it is very important that I note high-hand-clappers (there’s been a few specialist vertical-high-hand-clappers) and standing clappers.  The Audience Exit needless to say involves:

More Faffers

The Selfie Generation – usually standing in front of a plain wall

The Left-Behinders  – lost phones, bags etc.

The Discussion Groups  – GO TO THE BAR

…..all of which is incredibly tiresome but I am always stoic in adversity, and wait without complaint for them to get out.

Other news –

I am still finding remembering the actors’ names a bit of a challenge  – with a cast of two, that’s understandable – but having watched the play for a few weeks now, I have realised I am witnessing a masterclass in opening and closing oven doors, placing sauce bottles on a kitchen counter, absorbing spilled “beer” from carpets, opening beer cans and wine bottles, pulling down tinsel curtains and dancing to Bros and Modjo.

Hear me tonight – I owe you a lot.

Quote

Common sense and a sense of humour are the same thing.

Clive James

Cat Imitating Art

I’m in the middle of watching Vanished By The Lake, a French mystery TV series filmed in Provence near a town, Esparron du Verdon, where we had a holiday a few years back.  This is one of a lot of photos I took – the cat wandered into the sculpture, in an artist’s garden, just as I was taking the photo.  No remembrance of where the garden was or how we came across it.

The Dark Circle

The Dark Circle Book Cover The Dark Circle
Linda Grant
Virago
2016
Paperback

A novel that beautifully captures the voices of a range of people from different classes, many Londoners,  who find themselves consigned to a countryside sanatorium for tuberculosis sufferers.  The now forgotten cruelties of TB and its treatment come alive in this book set in post-War Britain. It is also a shrewdly observed fictional slice of social history, firmly based in a very real past that shows us how our lives have (been) developed to the present day.  The story is shot through with humour and unsentimental reticence which makes it all the more engaging. The limitations of its settings are actually its strength as the writing draws the reader into the lives of the patients and the medical staff.  Linda Grant delivers the best combination of a storyteller revealing the human heart through a vivid tapestry of social, political and medical histories.

Quote

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

George Bernard Shaw